“The cost of happiness”. Maina Sachina

“Lenin, Dzerginskiy, Sverdlov… Lives of these wonderful people are worthy to be followed. They “turned the world upside down”! My dear daughter, I want them to be ideals for you too on your life’s way to be followed”. Eugenia has heard these words a lot of times; they formed in her understanding and the image of the world. She loved her father. He was her principle “intellectual and authority”. The father’s library was full of books by revolutionaries. The shelves contained full of sets of Lenin’s lectures. Every summer, they went to Moscow, stayed in long lines in order to get in the Mausoleum and see Lenin. It was always reverent and exciting for her father when he was about to view such things. Eugenia realized that it is really something that is worthy and is to be respected.

Father was inconsistent. He had high ideals on one side and a permanent search for something else, dissatisfaction that was leading into long and hopeless drinking, on the other side. He liked to read books by Dostoevskiy and Saltikov-Shedrin. He always had in his head “high-standard thoughts” that it wasn’t even possible, “it was to rich for them” and not understandable. From time to time, he “descended from highs to lows,” and was naive and simple. He “came up to simple people,” as he used to say, using this expression as a joke. It was difficult to live with him. He brought tough times into his life and other’s.

From early childhood, Eugenia lived with this inconsistent feeling. But, at the same time she knew she was born for something different and extraordinary. The more she thought about this, the more confused she became by that and couldn’t understand how to achieve this greatness. Besides, she just didn’t understand who would need to achieve this greatness. All of her attempts in doing something ended up failing. She became unsociable. A number of inconsistent figures, and different kinds of inferiority complexes came upon her, trying to swallow-up her personality.

Her father’s death shocked her. He, who through all his life was striving to attain something wonderful and great, dad died like an animal from an unusual hangover after many days of drinking. Eugenia looked at her father’s body and couldn’t figure out where everything went, all of his ideas, ideals and high thoughts. After her father’s burial, she was depressed for a long time. Life seemed to be dark. She found her father’s diary among his other belongings. That finding touched her. His diary was called “I think, I think, I think and want to tell…” It was a shout of a human soul that had lost the meaning of life, disappointed in ideals and in life totally. The only way from this was death. A man comes into this world to learn the meaning of life and to die…

Eugenia just couldn’t understand this. She was young, full of energy and strength. So, did it happen to be the end for all of that? No. She would frequently remember father’s deeds and find a way of happiness, which father had passed by accidentally. Well, she would marry a wonderful man, would give birth to her children. She would have a good creative job, where she’d be able to realize this and what father couldn’t. She, she will be able…

“My dear daughter, you are doing like your father. I am worried about your fate…” Eugenia understood that her mom was right. Eugenia wasn’t successful; it passed her by. What did she dream about, what did she look for in life? Actually, she didn’t know. She hated everything that was around her. Why did she marry such a man, who was a complete contrast to her ideals? Why did she start drinking? She hated that most of all in the world. She couldn’t imagine herself in any sphere of activity. Why is she living in this contemptible Udmurtia, and also an Udmurt woman? Why is she a representative of such a humiliated nation, which is mocked by everyone? Why, why, why…? No. She doesn’t want to live any longer… I think father was right when one day he left this life. Yes, that is the only option; he was right. Twenty years of search for life gave no results except embitterment, hatred towards herself and toward other people. Does it happen to be that life is just a really bad joke...? Why is it then, when a man has a mind, dreams, and feelings, that everything has just a simple biological death?

“God loves you very much my dear! Only He has plans for you, these plans for your good, and not for the wicked, in order to give future and a hope”. These words were said by a stranger, a woman, to Eugenia and were very touchy. Who is God? She had never heard of Him. She knows of Lenin, Dzerginskiy, and has read books by Dostoevskiy and Saltikov-Shedrin… It was so strange that light was sparkling from the woman’s eyes and there was something attractive in her words. Actually, she didn’t look like those simple “dark” old ladies, who are usually meet at Churches…

Whatever it is, it’s never too late to die. She will make an attempt to learn who God is. Surely, it is complicated to believe that there is something in the world that is worthy and real…

Well, of course, it’s deceiving again. People are pretending to seem happy, smiling – it’s all a show. But, suddenly… The Church choir started to sing. All the people around started to sing as well. The singing, in some unusual way, touched her heart. She had never experienced anything like this and then, something more amazing occurred. A preacher began speaking as though he knew about all of her struggles, frustrations and unachieved dreams. Eugenia was touched. She had not felt this way previously. Furthermore, the preacher reminded her of her father. Her unachieved ideals, dreams and hopes were achieved in that man. Eugenia could not understand what was going on in her heart. Something or someone strong touched her heart. Lots of people had tried to touch her heart, but this was absolutely indescribable, tender and lovely. The preacher was talking about God’s love. Eugenia understood that for her, he was speaking about her God, the God who loves HER but for what reason, she did not understand…

“I love you”, – these words were addressed to her husband, the words, which she hadn’t said for many years. At that point, her husband thought that she had become crazy. But Eugenia knew for sure that God’s love had entered her heart forever. This was the love that was poured out from God Himself. She felt sorry about her husband’s fate at that moment; sorry about the pain she had caused him, for their family life. She suddenly realized that his life was created by God, also. Yes, God knew how to bring peace to this house. He made her look at that lovely man and the people around her in a different way. Since then her life has been different. It has been opened to things and ideas that were not known previously. That was God’s presence and His blessings.